Toilet paper: Proper positioning and alignment

Far be it from me to opine on the proper use and disposal of toilet paper – neither of which is my strong suit. A lifetime of experience suggests, however, that positioning the roll and dispensing bathroom tissue from it are issues to which I might and perhaps should contribute my expertise. To wit:

The situation depicted to the left is horrible.  The roll is backwards. Under what conditions would it be preferable for defecators to reach across the roll, potentially straining their backs or slipping from the toilet seat, to obtain the lead tissue?

Note that, by placing the roll properly, as shown below, defecators are able to use the dispenser’s lid-cum-blade to full advantage, thus separating sheets confidently and with a minimum of strain.

A further, but no less vexing, problem concerns the misalignment of plies, as seen in the final photograph. Too often, laziness or incompetence leads defecators who find themselves charged with initiating a new roll’s usage to accept this chaotic situation, leaving it to their successors to suffer or rectify the disorderly deployment of tissue.

Let us remember that the task at hand is to remove excrement from an unseen area around one’s anus: an organized and predictable implement is essential.

This situation is easily rectified. Simply pull on only the top ply for approximately one rotation of the roll, until the beginning of the second ply aligns with the perforations of the top ply. Then tear away the part of the top ply before this point of synchrony. Fold it neatly for use and begin to clean your anus. Henceforth the plies will unroll in tandem.

Finally, never place a trash basket directly beneath your toilet-paper dispenser. This arrangement forces guests to peer into and smell your garbage while leaning over to manage the bathroom tissue. It also forces defecators who have inadvertently unrolled the tissue in an over-zealous fashion either to extract the unused tissue from the garbage or to never use it, in the latter case furthering the receptacle’s status as a “waste” basket.


3 responses to “Toilet paper: Proper positioning and alignment

  1. Hello –

    I learned the proper toilet paper positioning from my mother and sisters. They were/are particular in the specifics of proper bathroom “do’s and don’ts!”

    I wrote a very similar blog, “Why are women Lord of the Ring?”. It’s all about whether the toilet seat should be left up or down. Have a read if you get some free time.

    I like your blog. Excellent read. Happy Wednesday to you. 🙂


  2. Thanks. You’re the first person who has commented about the photos on that blog. I thought they are great and appropriate, relating directly to the story. You know I’m jesting there. I grew up with a mother and 5 sisters and learned at an early age how and why it’s important to a lady to keep the seat in the down position. I was trying to engage men and women who can relate to this issue. I think most every one can. I hope you like my story. I certainly like yours ^5 :).


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